It’s eleven o’clock at night. I’m pounding down bites of cold steak from off my dinner plate when the word that comes out of my mouth to describe my current state is “seething.” Oh, is that what I am? Obviously there’s a problem here.
Out of the overflow right? Well, what I’m overflowing with right now is hot injured anger.
“I’m just so sick of being treated like crap,” I say. “I am so COMPLETELY done. I am done-er than done. I am over it, all of it. Find my replacement.”
Matt’s listening. God bless him. So I keep purging. And then the hot tears come; the disappointed heartbroken truth rises like steam from my boiling lips. Honesty’s first impression is almost always an unlovely one.
“It’s just that I let her get to me. I know that I shouldn’t let her get to me. But how can you give someone everything- all your energy, all your attention, all your love, and still just get handed disrespect and the crappiest sort of CRAP. I don’t even like her right now. I don’t want to wake up to her tomorrow because I don’t even LIKE being around her, and I can’t remember how to get back to where we were. Am I making any sense?!”
He’s nodding, but his face is quiet. I’m begging for noise and amens and loud agreement. “Complete sense,” he gives me.
These are things you aren’t supposed to say out loud about your two year old daughter. Things you absolutely aren’t supposed to publish. Shhhhhh!!! you rotten bad feelings about my offspring, just sshhhhh. Keep it down before someone sees you!
Who is the best at keeping all the thoughts, feelings, musings, ramblings, etc… stuffed deep down inside? Not this lady, and definitely not when I’m with my guy. This scene is in some ways typical. When Matt and I are in the room alone I tend toward explosive weepiness and much hand gesturing, letting the “I can’ts” fly around willy nilly. Remarkably though, one solitary “Mommy?” can cut through my funk and put a cork on it all in the strangest sort of way. Matt calls this my game face.
Did I mention that it’s the day after Mother’s Day? Awesome.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you…” (Matt 5:43-48)
Who’d have imagined that the Tiny Humans I bore in my own body would be the truest enemies I’ve yet to encounter? Who knew my firstborn could strike me down so completely? -that her disobedience, disrespect, ingratitude, and selfishness could lay me out.
Cursed? Hated? Spitefully used? Persecuted? Yes, yes, and yes again.
Motherhood is brutal. Tonight I am bruised and floundering, struggling to find the Spirit so He can bandage me up.
I know the right answer. I know that the answer is love. I know that the way to fix this, the way to be the grown-up, the light to my Little Lost One is to choose to get closer instead of running. But everything in my being is screaming DANGER!! I can feel it in my muscles, my bones, my face. This pain is so deep it’s showing up in my posture. She’s only going to hurt you. She’s dangerous to love, violent and selfish and not to be trusted with your heart.
And then the truth:
Aren’t we all?
He chooses to come close- impossibly close. He offers to step inside our dry violent selfish bones, to pour cool Life water and tender whispers of nearness all over every bit of it. Jesus came to this stinking murderous planet, coming close and then even closer to His beloved- though loving us was sure to kill Him.
“Arise Little Girl.” (Mark 5:41)
Love is here. He has come for you when you were nothing, but a pile of death. Now live, Little One, and don’t be afraid.
“For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:6-8)